For a lot of my life I thought there was something wrong with me.
I looked to the outside world for guidance on who to be and for validation of my own worth, making it my personal mission to prove that I was likeable. If someone didn’t like me, I would try to figure out why and change that part of me. I thought this would make them approve of me.
As you can probably imagine, this took a great deal of effort. It required me to pay close attention to other people and the world around me, looking for clues and guidance as to how I should be.
Feeling accepted and loved by others seemed more important than just being myself and to be honest, I thought this was just the way it was! That this was how people were loved and accepted – by becoming what the ones they desired love and acceptance from wanted them to be.
I just adapted.
But as I grew up in to an adult, my life began reflecting the damaging effects of this pattern. In my romantic relationships, it made it extremely difficult to experience deep intimacy with men because it’s next to impossible to experience this without absolute authenticity. And authenticity isn’t possible when you’re changing and tweaking who you are to please someone else or when you aren’t showing all of yourself. The other person doesn’t get to know who you really are.
True intimacy and connection are only possible with absolute authenticity.
I craved the depth of intimacy so badly, yet I didn’t see that it was my own lack of confidence in the person I was underneath the masks and layers I’d built up around me that was actually blocking me from experiencing this closeness with another.
I didn’t understand that by being myself, I would attract people who were similar to me and who loved me for me. This seems like such a simple concept, yet it hadn’t really been taught to me in a way that I could understand. Instead, my life’s experiences and, what at the time, felt like fuck-up’s led me to understand this…
…friendships that crumbled the moment I spoke up about something that person did that bothered me.
…men telling me I felt like “just a friend” to them after allowing them to touch the deepest parts of my body.
…the depletion of my soul from stifling down its whispers… and then shouts… and then screams – prostituting my deepest hearts desires to fit into a mold.
And through all these blessings disguised as pains, I have been pushed closer and closer to my truth. To relaxing and sinking into the woman that I am. The woman that says what’s calling in her heart even if I know the other person won’t like it. The woman that is humbled when my ego wants to flare up and pretend I know the answers to something I hadn’t a clue about. The woman that speaks up when I do have the knowledge and wisdom to help someone navigate out of their problem.
My intention has shifted from gaining other people’s love and approval to being absolutely down right true to myself! This started with having to be honest with myself about where I was diluting, holding back, or people pleasing. I had to look at the parts of myself that weren’t comfortable to look at and that begged me to sweep them under the rug. I had to be willing to look at my own insides before I dared show them to someone else.
And maybe that’s the problem? Maybe that’s been the problem the whole time. We feel so shameful about who we are that it’s actually easier to become something else and present that person to the world instead of having the courage to look inside ourselves and accept who we are. This true acceptance replaced for the outside acceptance of an image we make ourselves up to be.
And it takes just that… courage.
To show up in all your weirdness. Your shame and flaws.
It takes courage to show up in your brilliance and let your light shine bright.
It takes faith to know that when you do show up in all your weirdness and brilliance that your people will find you.
The partner that’s been searching a lifetime for you, and you for them, will finally be able to recognize you. The connected friendships with the ones who actually get you will finally be not only possible, but effortless to find.
Will you have the courage and the faith?
Are you willing to risk rejection from a thousand souls who aren’t your people to find the ones who love and accept you unconditionally in all that you’ve brought with you into this world?
Take my hand and let’s risk it all together.