I have a tendency to analyze the way I live, the choices I make, why I make them and what drives the decisions that I do make. I tend to also analyze these very things in other people, trying to see what works for them that might work for me to implement into my own life and what I can see is clearly causing them misery. The difficult thing about life sometimes is that things are a lot easier observed when they are outside of ourselves and not our own ingrained behaviors. Remember that the next time you’re shouting about how someone else should be acting, proclaiming that it’s so clear what the proper words to speak are or what the proper action to take is.
We’re all here with a different structure of framework. A different set of beliefs instilled within us since childhood, many passed on to us by how we saw our parents living or beliefs we subconsciously chose based on the way certain things in our early life played out. We then made beliefs and assumptions about the way life always is from these times.
So today I share with you a behavior of my own. A behavior that even through my own continual self-analysis, I was blind spotted by up until this point. It was running my life and I had no idea. Every minute of it. EVERY. MINUTE.
I never stop. Ever. With anything. I go, go, go, go, go….. I get this underlying intense anxiety and just make myself so incredible busy, it’s no wonder I can’t hear the whispers from my soul. The anxiety can’t catch up if I never stop long enough for it to. I thought I had the anxiety out tricked but now I find myself questioning if it really just tricked me. Maybe the act of running from it is the actual cause, an endless cycle, like a dog chasing its tail? Round and round and round.
I stop and wonder, can one behavior be replaced for another but both be based on the same foundation of beliefs? Did I just replace obscene amounts of partying with endlessly running through life being busy? One behavior switched for another to escape the emotions buried deep below, seemingly too scary to just stop and feel? What happens when you exchange your self-destruction for apparent self-care but then self-care turns out to just be another form of self-sabotage? I find myself doing all the things I thought I should be doing to love myself instead of just stopping and actually honoring who I am and that someone else’s self-care practices might not be what nourishes my soul the deepest.
Scheduling every minute of every day. Accomplishment after accomplishment. Trying to master everything at once rather than just stopping, letting my deepest desires guide me, and master what I enjoy and love to do.
We’re living in a society of “no-time” and I find myself abiding by this same “no-time” excuse when answering to myself why I’m not doing something I really love. But that’s bullshit. All we have is time. Our entire life is a clump of time massed together. I have the same number of hours in a day as Beyonce and Oprah. So do you.
So here’s what I did.
I sat down tonight and wrote (something I love to do by the way).
I wrote out all the things I love doing. I wrote down the states of mind I love being in. The feelings deep within my heart when I feel bliss. All the things that absolutely light up my soul. That make me feel alive. That make time seem to disappear.
I then wrote down what a regular day looks like for me from start to finish. All the things I do in it and how they make me feel. And asked myself, why am I doing these things? Is it to live up to some expectation of what I think self-care entails? Is it to add to the list of superficial accomplishments? Is it to make someone else think better of me? Is it to help me become the person I think I need to become? Do I think the things I busy myself with make me a better person, more deserving and worthy of love and acceptance?
Let’s just say there will be some big shifts happening. Some big changes. Some big transformations as I live into who I am and not who I think I need to be. As I let my heart lead me into what makes it jump and sing. I invite you to do the same.